October 7th, 2010
I propelled myself out of my chair in the back isle of the sanctuary, my jaw grinding. Anger steeled my heart and quickened my pace as I turned into the dingy hallway and found an empty prayer room. Throwing myself into a chair I roughly pulled my bible and iTouch from the purse, ready to hash this whole thing out with God, ready to show him how unfair he had been to me.
“See God? Here I am seeking you. Give me a verse, I’ll look it up. Give me a word it save it in my iTouch. I can’t really get away from it if it’s in something I use all the time, can I? So tell me God…WHAT IS YOUR FREAKIN’ PROBLEM?”
I ranted and justified. I crossed and uncrossed my legs, my hands laced tightly together as I willed myself not to break anything. My throat longed to scream, a release from my pent-up frustration, but I knew that people would hear. The last thing I wanted was an overly curious church-goer, or someone from my youth group trying to counsel me about something that was none of their business.
So I stayed quiet, spitting out my anger, hurt, frustration, and worries to my God.
As my thoughts and words slowed I felt God’s presence. A few tears escaped me as I admitted that I just did not understand what God wanted from me. With that silent confession some of the anger left me and my heart softened, just a little.
I was done ranting and it was God’s turn to speak. I waited, silently, spirit and heart straining for his words.
Was God laughing?
There was no mistaking it. There he was, standing close, arms crossed, and love in his mirthful eyes. But there were no grave words of correction, or strong plans of action, there were only his silent chuckles.
I was thrown off. He had caught my attention. I sat in shock for a good ten seconds as I listed to God’s chuckles.
“Since when do you like to do anything like everyone else?”
God reminded me of my love of spontaneity, reminded me about how busy I had been in the summer even without the stress of looking for universities, and told me he wanted to test my faith. He explained everything. Finally, he gave me a song. My Future Decided by Hillsong United. He told me that I had been taken care of, assuring me of it with Jeremiah 29:11. “Stop stressing and start following!” God said to me “Start partying! Am I not God? You can do exactly what I put in front of you and love every second of it! Your future is decided, and this is for my glory. Don’t you know that you are mine? I take care of my own.”
God knew exactly what he was doing all along. Silly me, why didn’t I see it before? Okay God, my future’s always been up to you. Gap year or no gap year…it doesn’t matter. You can give me the answers about Universities today, tomorrow, or at the very last second. I accept that.
“Now be filled with joy.”
Peace be with you,