I haven’t blogged in a year, I believe.
I want to change that.
This blog means a lot to me.
It is a look into my past.
I will be starting a new blog almost exactly like this one but people are welcome to return to this one when they please.
The new blog will be about the new me.
If you’re wondering why I would do such a thing.
I’m not sure. It has just been on my heart.
I’ll post the link of the new blog when I’ve made it.
“I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5pzjvYuOOI&feature=related” title=”Best Is Yet To Come” target=
This song reminds me that no matter what bad things I let into my heart, what sin I commit, who I used to be, or what my reputation is God’s mercies are new every morning and I can leave all of my crap behind me and embrace fresh, new hope every day. It’s something He’s been saying to me a lot this year and, today, I’ve never been more happy to hear it.
I have always been a “truth seeker”. I want to know the truth and I do not really care if it’s out of the ordinary, controversial, or unaccepted. Lately my search for the truth, I feel, has been hindered. It never ceases to amaze me how far God will let me go with things like new ideas, fasts, or relationships with people of questionable character. But here is where my search is hindered: I hold myself back. I put God and his plan for me in this tiny box and fill it will all sorts of “do” and “do not” rules that the people around me follow. God is infinite (Ephesians 3:20-21, Job 9:10, Jeremiah 23:24, Revelation 22:13, Psalm 102:25-27) so why should I put him into a box of rules?
I need to stop holding myself back from blindly trusting the greatest power in the universe because, after all, God loves me, so why should I be afraid?
Peace be with you,
The opposite of patience is frustration
The tightness in your stomach tells you
You are unfulfilled, thoughts set askew
Longing for catharsis or liberation
Trying not to fall into complete damnation
Ungraceful words escape you
Longing for some kind of renew
Only in the very deep inside do you crave salvation
You lack courage, you fidget
And your muscles flex and you pace and you throw things
It dents and rings
Unwanted: the guilt over the broken widget
Painfully lacking courage to stop and take control of the hands that fidget
Wisdom and maturity take the courage of the King.
Peace be with you,
October 7th, 2010
I propelled myself out of my chair in the back isle of the sanctuary, my jaw grinding. Anger steeled my heart and quickened my pace as I turned into the dingy hallway and found an empty prayer room. Throwing myself into a chair I roughly pulled my bible and iTouch from the purse, ready to hash this whole thing out with God, ready to show him how unfair he had been to me.
“See God? Here I am seeking you. Give me a verse, I’ll look it up. Give me a word it save it in my iTouch. I can’t really get away from it if it’s in something I use all the time, can I? So tell me God…WHAT IS YOUR FREAKIN’ PROBLEM?”
I ranted and justified. I crossed and uncrossed my legs, my hands laced tightly together as I willed myself not to break anything. My throat longed to scream, a release from my pent-up frustration, but I knew that people would hear. The last thing I wanted was an overly curious church-goer, or someone from my youth group trying to counsel me about something that was none of their business.
So I stayed quiet, spitting out my anger, hurt, frustration, and worries to my God.
As my thoughts and words slowed I felt God’s presence. A few tears escaped me as I admitted that I just did not understand what God wanted from me. With that silent confession some of the anger left me and my heart softened, just a little.
I was done ranting and it was God’s turn to speak. I waited, silently, spirit and heart straining for his words.
Was God laughing?
There was no mistaking it. There he was, standing close, arms crossed, and love in his mirthful eyes. But there were no grave words of correction, or strong plans of action, there were only his silent chuckles.
I was thrown off. He had caught my attention. I sat in shock for a good ten seconds as I listed to God’s chuckles.
“Since when do you like to do anything like everyone else?”
God reminded me of my love of spontaneity, reminded me about how busy I had been in the summer even without the stress of looking for universities, and told me he wanted to test my faith. He explained everything. Finally, he gave me a song. My Future Decided by Hillsong United. He told me that I had been taken care of, assuring me of it with Jeremiah 29:11. “Stop stressing and start following!” God said to me “Start partying! Am I not God? You can do exactly what I put in front of you and love every second of it! Your future is decided, and this is for my glory. Don’t you know that you are mine? I take care of my own.”
God knew exactly what he was doing all along. Silly me, why didn’t I see it before? Okay God, my future’s always been up to you. Gap year or no gap year…it doesn’t matter. You can give me the answers about Universities today, tomorrow, or at the very last second. I accept that.
“Now be filled with joy.”
Peace be with you,
I see myself lying pathetically at the bottom of a dirt hill. I raise my head sleepily. My arms still half under my limp body, I begin to scratch at the dirt at the base of the hill. I scratch frantically, making myself look even more pathetic as the dirt gathers under my fingernails.
I have a problem.
I lie to myself, my friends, my co-workers, my aunts, my parents, even my closest friends. Sometimes it’s just an exaggerated story, sometimes it’s a simple “I’m okay”, sometimes it is blatant and malicious. But it’s all the same because it’s all sin.
You know what the worst part is? It hurts me and I know it. . .but I keep doing it. I make everything bigger, badder, and harder . . .but I keep doing it. I have only recently decided to stop within this past week. It has taken me almost 18 years to stop doing something I knew was stupid from the beginning. How sad is that? But I am going to quit and I will overcome.
How often do we make something a bigger deal than it really is? How often do we let our bad attitudes shape our circumstances? Lie to ourselves and turn little dirt hills into impossible mountains?
“Dirt under your fingernails does not equal hard labor.”
Rise up! Isn’t walking through fire, letting life refine you, and doing impossibly hard things supposed to be the amazing, cool, inspiring and exciting things we all gape at? Books and movies are not made out of petty, whiny characters who refuse to get their lives together and conquer their problems, big or small.
And after all it’s just a pile of dirt.
Peace be with you,